This here’s a TASER, son,
it ain’t no…
If you like movies like I do, you’ve probably
heard a bunch of euphemisms for whiskey, or rather
for the justification for having a pull on the
bottle. It seems that most writers like to use “for
snakebite” or “for rheumatism” more than any others.
It was a real man who used the more proper
“phlegm cutter and anti-fogmatic.” It was Davy
Crockett.
Crockett was a guy I would have liked to have a
pull on the bottle with. A man’s man who had a
great sense of humor and knew how to get the most
out of our language. Scout, indian fighter,
Congressman, he was also very popular on the lecture
circuit.
People would be crowded around him as he spoke,
hanging on every word, with tons of questions for
him when he was finished. Once someone yelled
out from the back, Hey Davy, you ever been lost?
The crowd hushed, waiting to hear the answer. No
way, no how, could Davy Crockett ever get lost,
could he? He spent most of his life in the
outdoors and knew all the trails throughout most of
Tennessee, Kentucky and Ohio. Everyone wanted to
hear the answer to this question, and Crockett
didn’t disappoint.
No sir, he said, I ain’t never been lost, never.
And the crowd stirred, glad to hear their hero
still stood tall.
Course, he continued, once I was bewildered for 3
days.
Crockett always seemed to know what to say next,
what to do next. Pass the phlegm cutter and
anti-fogmatic, will ya?
All of us know he died at the Alamo, but most of
us don’t know how. Seems the history books think
we don’t need to know that. Seems they think
we’d think less of this American hero if we knew
how he died. Sometimes I just want to smack the
guys who try to decide what we need to know and
what we don’t.
Crockett fought at the Alamo and faced all the
dangers that everyone there faced. He could have
found a way to leave before the fighting started,
but he didn’t. He stood his ground and returned
fire, and saw his comrades fall around him.
Soon enough it was clear that this battle was
going to end badly, and when that became clear, when
defeat was assured, smart man that he was, he
thought of survival. He hid under the bodies of
the fallen enemy, hoping to have a chance to escape
later on.
He was found, and the next day he was executed by
firing squad. That was in March, 1836.
When he was faced with the prospect of death or
survival, Crockett chose to try to survive. He
didn’t give in, he did whatever he could to live to
fight another day.
Too bad so many Americans don’t think that way
anymore. Nowadays we just let ourselves be
victims. Nowadays we don’t even fight back. Nowadays
all we do is act tough and hope that’s enough,
instead of preparing aforehand, just in case it
ain’t.
For all of us a day of reckoning is coming.
Might be from old age, might be a car accident, or it
might be just because we don’t love life enough
to defend ourselves. What a shame. Might be
time to take out home of the brave from the national
anthem.
If you disagree, if you want to do everything you can
to be like Ol’ Davy was, get yourself a
Taser and be ready to use it. You’ll live to see another day,
and you’ll do it without having to kill anybody.